Tom Eaton

Here are some choice quotations, don't read them before reading the actual articles otherwise much is lost:

"Until recently Mr Smith had a microscopic penis. As he browsed bookshops for biographies of Napoleon it cowered in the draperies of his underwear, an embryonic chipolata, a coy love-prawn. Mrs Smith tried to reassure him, but he was certain that the harpies at her depraved book-club gatherings talked of nothing else, crooking little fingers and revelling in his genetic betrayal."

The phrase "love-prawn" is just far to funny not to reuse.

"Naturally this is just middle- class sour grapes. The wealthy are as entitled as the poor to good service. It's just that they really should keep their voices down, lest we notice them and ask what it feels like to drive an R800 000 toy through a country in which that amount could feed a rural family of 10 for just more than 35 years.

But people have rights. They have the right to spend their money however they want. They have the right to rub it in the noses of those who have none.And they also have the right to a smoke and a blindfold when the revolution comes and they're put up against a wall."

Brilliant!

"It was to be expected that the Jewish and Muslim commentators who entered the fray last week should dust off the old family albums, lovingly labelled "Pogrom" and "Crusade" by ancestors who understood the cultural and political mileage to be made off a well-maintained grudge. Liberal Protestants likewise could be forgiven for fretting as they did their crosswords and listened to Wellington gabbling in indigenese to the garden boy next door. After all, religion is big business and nobody wants to see the competition appoint a tough, uncompromising CEO."

It was the description of Welligton which had my disgmate and I rolling on the floor. I have since taken to calling her Wellington. She is after all, black, you know.

"So now it's Catholicism's turn to be feared. Last year it was Mid-western Christian fundamentalism, the year before that militant Islam, and so back through all the groundswell movements fretted over by the liberal media. Republicanism, neoconservatism, Pokémon, Riverdance; all signalled the imminent collapse of the global equilibrium into refugee-roasting Armageddon."

Riverdance is mighty scary.

"Our celestial social worker who art in Heaven, accessible be thy name. Thy group-hug come, thy mandate be done (after in-depth discussion with all stakeholders) on Earth as it is in Heaven. Validate this day our self-image, and expect us not to resist temptation but deliver us from moralizing. For thine is the Socialist state, the celebrity and the bling, for ever and ever, or until we change our minds again. Amen."

That is by far my favourite. Brilliant.